I woke up today thinking about patterns. In some ways, patterns run our lives. Mostly, patterns which are running unconsciously. These patterns can either expand our lives or keep us stuck in old ways of thinking or being.
As I become an observer of my own patterns, I see how they help me avoid answering the internal discomfort that comes from knowing that change is needed. Something in me is ready to emerge, yet clearly, there is also resistance. When I reflect on resistance, I know it is based on my fear of the unknown. At points, I feel like I am ready to unleash my authenticity and true self to the world.
Yet I am held back. Why? Self-doubt? Do I have anything to say? I don’t know how to navigate this new territory. After decades of complying with expectations of work and relationships, what happens when those rules of engagement are not there? Am I free now to express myself without fear of any consequences? The discomfort of not being the more that is available to me is creating pressure in my body.
As soon as I feel the discomfort in my body, I try to push it away with old patterns. One of my favourites is to commit myself to something that will fill my time. If I am busy, I don’t have time to feel the pressure inside me. The moment things slow down the pressure is back demanding my attention. At this point I have a choice; I can continue the old patterns filling up all my time with activities, or I can change my patterns one step at a time.
So today I am making a commitment to myself. Each week for 2019, I am going to add a new routine which will move me away from avoidance and towards the wisdom within. This week I am committing to morning pages. At the beginning of each day, I am going to clear the space to write. Even if it is only for 5 minutes, I want to pay attention to what is ready to be known.